Life is suffering at baseline. Everything else is mere happiness.
We seek for places/things to be happy or evoke the “happy” feelings, to avoid dark times and times of despair. We vacation, we run, we bike, we seek distances in problems hopes that is brings us closer to a “happy place”. We complain about the clouds, because we see no sun. You feel a sense of dread and cloudiness on some days, if not most, but yet when asked how we are, we reply “Good, You?”. Why do we mask emotion? Is it so others don’t see our true feelings? Our True selves. What’s the shame in our truest emotions? Why do we become so automatic in our responses, usually with a quick and unthoughtful “Good, You?”. We might not even notice that we said we “are good”, when in actuality we do not feel this way. We answer as if we are in a default mode. Why do we not pay attention to one of things that lasts forever, our emotions….
…or do we not want others to see our pains? What if others knew our problems? How would that make us look to others? Does how we look to others really matter? Are we lying to ourselves about how we actually feel to elicit certain emotions? Do we say we feel good in hopes we will actually “feel good”, tricking our conscious.
You wake up at two pm in the fetal position having drank the night before, in hopes your problems will disappear and you will be fixed again. Thankfully there is only two hours of daylight left and it will be dark again. Darkness, where you find comfort. Darkness comforts you and in time it encompasses you. It becomes your identity. Who you are. It extends your boundaries, like a black hole, there are no boundaries. You become boundless. Limitless within darkness.
You associated light with anxiety provoking states of consciousness and panic attacks. You sleep till midafternoon with the hopes darkness will always persist. You wake up with only a few hours of day light. Your immediate thought… when will it be dark again?
How is darkness such a numbing emotion? Why is everything motionless in darkness? You see nothing, you gain nothing, and you expect nothing. Yet you hold everything within darkness. You attach to darkness like a friend, light is foe. Darkness extends its hands and shows you the way. Darkness leads and follow. Darkness is empty. Ill defined. Shapeless. It just, exists…
Light shows boundaries. Light gives a guided path. Light supports emotion. Darkness suppresses emotion. Dull and dark. Anxiety and panic attacks. It never shows its true colors, it’s colorless. Darkness is boundless, all-encompassing and inviting. Easy to please.
You care about nothing. You are shown nothing. But you give darkness everything. You succumb to darkness. You wake emotionless. Your life is darkness. It’s been this way for months. What does it take to change? To remove that grip of darkness’s hand upon yours and show you back into the light.
Maybe an outside voice? Someone of compassion? Someone who cares about you and someone who sees you for who you are and not the mask of darkness you display. Like a Halloween costume, darkness displays what the interior feels. Wearing emotions like an outfit. But these “outfits” change. These “costumes” are temporary. Nothing is forever. Nothing. Even you.
Taking off these costumes of emotion is the hardest thing you will ever do. But in time. With proper use of time, slowly, that mask will fade. Like ascending from a dive, the pressure is greatest at the bottom, but slowly you ascend to the surface, not too fast, not too slow. You shed that mask and you surface to the shallower waters, less pressure, more you on the surface. You no longer have to hold your breath, you inhale fresh air. And exhale in relief. You are now floating in the clam waters. Warmed by the light. Darkness below your feet.
This is depression and anxiety. This is you.
There is no light without dark.
The sun comes up and goes down. But it will raise again.
Anxiety and depression can go hand in hand. It has become a big problem in America. We have so many resources, so much money, so much technology, yet we are depressed more than ever. Is depression a problem in society?
We are creatures that chase rewards. We look for activities that will give us some sort of reward for our work that we accomplish. Weather that is self-satisfaction or the satisfaction of others. We can’t help this. Our brains are wired for reward. It’s in our DNA. It’s human evolution.
Problems seek a definite answer or a “best case scenario” to come to a solution. Problems are fixed. They don’t give reward in a conventional context. Having one solution, to find an answer, no reward. The outcome of the problem may give a reward, yes I acknowledge this, but problems seek for an answer. The answer thus might produce a reward.
Projects, however, offer a reward. They force us to work through a task, step by step. They allow us to learn. They allow us to grow. They allow us respect the process. To make the comfortable become uncomfortable in not knowing a process. Forcing us to learn the process. Projects are processes in time.
So then I shall ask…
Is depression and anxiety a problem? Or is depression and anxiety a project?
Perspective.
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